Whistler's Guide to SExploration

In fourteen ninety-two, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. He set sail to find a shortcut to East Asia so he could gain more profit. Five hundred years later, men of all ages are still searching for that shortcut, the answer to the timeless questions of how to gain more from doing less?


What we know now is that Columbus's voyage did provide important geographical information in the form of a plethora of maps and graphs, thus paving the way for future worldwide expansion. Columbus' brave exploits set an example for future explorers and now I, Whistler stand here before you ready to share the maps, graphs and secrets from my own extensive travels where i have left no nook or cranny unexplored.



1. Neckville: Explorers often overlook this seemingly insignificant piece of real estate, but don’t be fooled. The region is a virtual treasure trove that, if mined correctly, could open the gateway to lucrative and more rewarding exploration further south.
2. East Hipschester: East Hipschester is essential to any worthwhile explorer because of its prime location just west of treasure cove, with a plentiful bounty of natural resources to boot. Surrounded by rolling hills and lush valleys, I found settlements there to be both thriving and prosperous.

3. Mammary Peaks: Treacherous but rewarding, the twin peaks offer some of the most BREASTaking views I’ve ever seen. The epicenter of all things worth exploring, this terrific mountain range must be scaled and conquered before you can raise your flag.

4. Midriff Plains: These extensive flatlands are perfect for grazing and serve as the ultimate base camp. The experienced explorer knows that all expeditions should start from the plains, and in times of danger, I found the meadows to offer comfort, shelter and security.

Today Marks the beginning of the end....

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RULES OF ENGAGEMENT/THE SPECIAL FRIEND CONTRACT

Dear Whistler

I like a girl, but not enough for her to be my girlfriend (as im also banging her best friend). The problem is, she is becoming too attached - Seeing as you are someone who has infinite knowledge, and a true hero of mine - please tell me how do I keep is casual?

You are the best
Nitric

Dear Nitric

The female species is indeed a complicated one - so sometimes you have to take certain precautions (and I dont just mean wrapping up warm). Please present the contract below to said female friend - this should clear up any misunderstandings

Whistler

**HOWEVER please be aware of the 3 TIMES RULE - When said female starts to develop 'feelings' after 3 times of FUNTIMES. In such cases please refer to clause 19 immediately ***For indication for symptoms of 'feelings' please refer to earlier blog 'suffering from feelings'

Cougar Town

Women are the new men - its a fact.

As a seasoned game hunter, you get to learn that you cant always have it your way. As skilled as you are, there comes a time where the wind changes, where the prey becomes smarter, older more intelligent, more resourceful to the point where the hunter becomes the hunted! That time is now my friends. We have already lost some skilled hunters to this evolution of prey, Ashton Kutcher, Tim Robbins, Naveen Andrews but to name a few. Their game of choice - the elusive Cougar!

Only the brave can snag a cougar, for they are the most fearsome and deadly of all, and cougar hunting can leave a lasting impression on your life.

A cougar is an attractive, sex-crazed, middle-aged woman, usually found prowling airport bars and smoky pool halls in search of nubile flesh. Look around you: most likely there's one training her eyes on you right now. She's a predator, a vicious carnivore looking to feed before continuing on her ferocious way, and that's the most beautiful part of the majestic cougar: her unflagging desire to move on after a mauling. Clearly, this is an advanced species.

Make no mistake about it: a cougar hunts you. But a seasoned cougar hunter knows how to play this to his advantage. Bagging a cougar is one of the most enjoyable sporting feats a young man can accomplish, but is rife with peril and dangers untold. Below is my overview of the great beast. Use it. Here's to safe and happy cougar hunting.

SOME POPULAR COUGAR DENS:
The Saracens Head - Beaconsfield
Palms Hotel - Hornchurch Essex
Russell Gardens - London
Chicago's - Anywhere


DO YOUR HOMEWORK ON COUGARS:

The Graduate - Mrs Robinson (Ann Bancroft) seduces fresh faced Benjamin Braddock (Dustin Hoffman)
American Pie - Stiffler's Mom
How I met your Mother - Barney and Marshall's Law Professor





A. Nails: Long, manicured, and often painted fire-engine red. The cougar keeps her nails sharp enough to ensnare her prey. In the bedroom, she uses these claws for enjoyable, yet tissue-scarring, back-scratching.

B. Skin: Cougars are notorious for keeping their pelts soft and inviting. You might believe you're cuddling a cub before realizing you're actually stroking the coat of a ferocious womanimal.

C. Tail: A cougar will use her tail to attract prey, often flaunting it with a perfectly timed mobile phone or key drop. She shakes her tail in a cunning fashion to distract you from her wrinkly eyes and thinning hair.

D. Legs: Shapely and attractive, a cougar's legs are one of her most desirable, yet dangerous, weapons. She uses her muscular legs in the bedroom to choke the life out of you, then the next day uses those same glorious limbs to reach the pedals on her sports convertable/baby carrier as she drives away. It's God's design.

E. Face: A cougar masks her face with makeup and other facial products in an effort to camouflage the ill effects of ageing. The eyes, beautiful and hidden under a heavy coat of mascara, dart around the room, scoping her habitat for suitable, unsuspecting fare. The ears twitch with each sound, on alert for the rustling of a leaf or the chuckle of a younger man.

**beware the cougars sound for the mating call is scary yet enchanting, enough to entice you in slowly

***the onset of the cougar years is hotly debated. Some feel that a cougar can be as young as 35, but women of this age would not be viewed as cougars unless their sexual conquests were no older than 25; the ten-year age difference seems to be an unspoken but accepted minimum between partners.

Whistler's Wise Words

Like Moses, Dear Dierdrie, and Dr. Phil, I am often asked to impart my wisdom and advice on those who cannot or will not help themselves. Even though I can't improve myself -- hard to top being me...I mean look at me -- I can help others improve.

Dear Whistler,

My girlfriend has been nagging me to express my feelings more but she always does that at inconvenient times like when I'm playing guitar hero or reading about my favourite football team (Arsenal btw). I'd love to tell her something so she'll stop nagging me, but I have no idea how to go about "sharing" my emotions.

Sincereley,

Guy Ndula

----------------------

Guy,

There are only three appropriate venues for expressing one's emotions. I call them the 3 D's: Dinner, During Sex, Deathbed.

DINNER: Your girlfriend wants you to express your feelings? Fine. Cover her hand with your own, look deep into her eyes, and tell her in a soft voice how you regret not ordering a starter. This action is international girl-speak for "I am revealing the secret depths of my soul," so it doesn't have to be about starters -- any honest feeling you have about the quality of food or service will have her eating out of your hand.

DURING SEX: One of the seemingly infinite benefits of sex is that there's so much activity, coordination and noise, you can get away with saying almost anything*. Thus, sex is the ideal time to honestly express doubts about your employability, gambling addiction, or even your long-term relationship potential.

DEATHBED: Since it's really tough to be mad at someone who is about to die, your deathbed is an excellent time to really go bananas with your feelings. Insecurities, infidelities, incisions...anything you've kept hidden over the years can be freely discussed with little fear of retribution. As an added bonus, some girls enjoy a sensitive side and become easily confused when faced with the grim certitude of death...play your cards right and you might be able to squeeze two in that deathbed before the buzzer goes off. (NOTE: For all the above reasons, feigning your own terminal illness and deathbed scenario can be a cathartic experience).

*Note: avoid at all costs mentioning how hot her sister is.

**Unless said sister is in bed with you. In that case, feel free to exaggerate a bit.

Suffering from feelings? (Part II)

Dear Whistler
You know how you're always right about everything? How you have an uncanny ability to dispense with a theory, with some words of wisdom that undoubtedly always prove right? And how are really, really fantastic? Well I can't believe I'm saying this because you've taught me so much and I owe you the world, but I think I'm going to respectfully disagree with you on serious relationships. See, I'm in a relationship with my girlfriend, and the more serious we get, the more it seems like birds are singing, angels are jumping from cloud to cloud, and little kids are playing tiddlywinks in grassy fields or whatever they do. That seems so much more rewarding to me than how my friend has incredible sex with one hot girl one night and then with a new and different hot chick the next night, and so on and so on ad infinitum. Is there something I'm missing?

Dear Fat Child

You are missing something fundamental. Get well soon

Define This!!!

Dear Whistler

I recently spent the summer chilling out with my special buddy. According to my best friend, that isnt a precise enough definition of our time together. I'm not usually one to kiss and tell but my friend keeps wrecklessly throwing words around like 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend' and worst of all 'relationship'. What do I say.

Fat Child

Dear Fat Child

Being a gentleman myself, I too dont usually kiss and tell (...unless I nailed a complete 10 or accomplished a particularly athletic sexual feat) but since your friend wont seem to let it go, I thought i'd offer up some better definitions of how two people interact....well the PG version anyway

hook·ing up [hoo-k-ing up] - When two people do it, consistently, but aren’t hanging out during daylight hours – unless it’s for the express purpose of getting it on.

hang·ing out [hang – ing – owt] – The process of participating in an organized activity together – such as a movie or dinner - followed shortly thereafter by furious banging.

see·ing where things are go·ing [see-ing wair things ahr going] – The process in which two people hang out, hook up, and do everything they can not to think about what it means.

da·ting – [day-ting] 1) The first time seeing where things are going fails. 2) Hanging out without the guarantee of sex

Have you had an accident, and it's not your fault - are you suffering from feelings?

What Are Feelings?

Feelings are a tender emotional state that develop when a male becomes fixated on a single female to the exclusion of others. Even others with bigger boobs. (is that even possible??)

Early Warning Signs

When you’re around one particular chick, you experience:

• Pounding Heart
• Dry Mouth
• Nausea
• Inability to speak
• Sweating
• Desire to say flattering things

If undiagnosed, these warning signs can quickly develop into the full blown disease…

Symptoms

• Warm fluttery feelings in stomach
• Lightheadedness
• An unexplained urge to watch Love Actually
• Sudden increase in cuddling occurrences
• Brunch cravings
• Happiness
• Failure to notice other hot women

Transmission

Though correlation remains scientifically inconclusive, studies indicate “hand holding” may play a role in spreading Feelings from one person to another.

Treatment

At this time the only treatment for Feelings is a multi-week course in Other Women. If symptoms persist, repeat course at a higher dosage. NOTE: This treatment can result in harmful side-effects such as rash, infection, and in some cases, pregnancy.

The Wingman Revolution

Guys and girls listen up! Behind every great man or woman, there is a wingman. David Beckham had Gary Neville, Pamela Anderson has Yasmine Bleeth, Tiger Woods had his lookouts!

But it is all changing my friends - the time is upon us, where we now have the multi-sex partnerships. Guys going out with chicks to get either guys or chicks! The age of the new wingman/woman is upon us.

Sadly you cant just snap your fingers and find a David Beckham or a Pamela Anderson, so you have to get by with what you've got. But no more.

For those of you who are in desperate need...

Above is an application to have whistler as your wingman.If you think you can handle it - and lets face it, you probably cant - Please complete the form mail back



- Whistler

The 4 day 2 text rule!

Yesterday i bumped into a friend 'Tim' on the way home from work. Anyway to cut a long story short - i encouraged him to observe the “Three Day Rule” regarding when to call a girl after getting her number. The popular wisdom is that by waiting three days to re-establish contact you can fool her into thinking you’re not as desperate as you probably are. It’s a solid strategy and a good rule of thumb for amateurs but one that fast becoming (if not already) sussed out by young ladies.But there is a more technical crafty approach only for the skilled....the four day rule!

Waiting 4 days gives you a considerable edge over those women that think they have you all figured out.

So if everyone swears by 3 days - why 4? The answer is simple my friend, if everyone has heard of the 3 day rule, you can bet women have too - by waiting an extra day, you add an element of mystery.

When do i call? Best time to call - middle of the day - you are more likely to get an answer phone, leave a message, that way the ball is in their court to call you back.

EXCEPTION TO THE RULE: If you have bet with said woman that you will call at certain time then bet must be upheld.

For those of you who have started dialog with said chick/guy i often get asked what happens if i text and there is no reply?
My answer
A. Move on to the next chick
B. If you want to show you are interested but not too interested - then the 2 text rule.

How does this work? If you have had no response to your last message - rule of thumb, only ever text twice more - one to say (i cant remember if i replied to you but....) the other a few days later (2days) as a general enquiry of wellbeing. If there is still no reply - i refer you back to option A

4.23 seconds - The REAL time you have to make a first impression

Men go for looks - women go for personality, someone that will make them laugh - RUBBISH!!!

The ugly truth (against everything you've ever been told about what women think) is that long before you check a woman out, shes already checked you out..of the club into her bed, or out her life for good.

The truth is my dear friends, in every way imaginable, women are worse than men - just how long does it take after a first sighting for a woman to make up her mind about you? - try 4.23 seconds that 0.07 seconds faster than this guy http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZRlCulV7r-I Astonishing!

Without the verbal chat, God-given physique, or the fashion literacy that allow me to ensnare a woman upon first glance, most men don’t stand a chance against the clock. Fortunately for you, I like to be ready for nightmare scenarios that might occur and am putting together an ensemble that will defeat the womans 4.23 seconds rule!