Whistler's Wise Words

Like Moses, Dear Dierdrie, and Dr. Phil, I am often asked to impart my wisdom and advice on those who cannot or will not help themselves. Even though I can't improve myself -- hard to top being me...I mean look at me -- I can help others improve.

Dear Whistler,

My girlfriend has been nagging me to express my feelings more but she always does that at inconvenient times like when I'm playing guitar hero or reading about my favourite football team (Arsenal btw). I'd love to tell her something so she'll stop nagging me, but I have no idea how to go about "sharing" my emotions.

Sincereley,

Guy Ndula

----------------------

Guy,

There are only three appropriate venues for expressing one's emotions. I call them the 3 D's: Dinner, During Sex, Deathbed.

DINNER: Your girlfriend wants you to express your feelings? Fine. Cover her hand with your own, look deep into her eyes, and tell her in a soft voice how you regret not ordering a starter. This action is international girl-speak for "I am revealing the secret depths of my soul," so it doesn't have to be about starters -- any honest feeling you have about the quality of food or service will have her eating out of your hand.

DURING SEX: One of the seemingly infinite benefits of sex is that there's so much activity, coordination and noise, you can get away with saying almost anything*. Thus, sex is the ideal time to honestly express doubts about your employability, gambling addiction, or even your long-term relationship potential.

DEATHBED: Since it's really tough to be mad at someone who is about to die, your deathbed is an excellent time to really go bananas with your feelings. Insecurities, infidelities, incisions...anything you've kept hidden over the years can be freely discussed with little fear of retribution. As an added bonus, some girls enjoy a sensitive side and become easily confused when faced with the grim certitude of death...play your cards right and you might be able to squeeze two in that deathbed before the buzzer goes off. (NOTE: For all the above reasons, feigning your own terminal illness and deathbed scenario can be a cathartic experience).

*Note: avoid at all costs mentioning how hot her sister is.

**Unless said sister is in bed with you. In that case, feel free to exaggerate a bit.

Suffering from feelings? (Part II)

Dear Whistler
You know how you're always right about everything? How you have an uncanny ability to dispense with a theory, with some words of wisdom that undoubtedly always prove right? And how are really, really fantastic? Well I can't believe I'm saying this because you've taught me so much and I owe you the world, but I think I'm going to respectfully disagree with you on serious relationships. See, I'm in a relationship with my girlfriend, and the more serious we get, the more it seems like birds are singing, angels are jumping from cloud to cloud, and little kids are playing tiddlywinks in grassy fields or whatever they do. That seems so much more rewarding to me than how my friend has incredible sex with one hot girl one night and then with a new and different hot chick the next night, and so on and so on ad infinitum. Is there something I'm missing?

Dear Fat Child

You are missing something fundamental. Get well soon

Define This!!!

Dear Whistler

I recently spent the summer chilling out with my special buddy. According to my best friend, that isnt a precise enough definition of our time together. I'm not usually one to kiss and tell but my friend keeps wrecklessly throwing words around like 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend' and worst of all 'relationship'. What do I say.

Fat Child

Dear Fat Child

Being a gentleman myself, I too dont usually kiss and tell (...unless I nailed a complete 10 or accomplished a particularly athletic sexual feat) but since your friend wont seem to let it go, I thought i'd offer up some better definitions of how two people interact....well the PG version anyway

hook·ing up [hoo-k-ing up] - When two people do it, consistently, but aren’t hanging out during daylight hours – unless it’s for the express purpose of getting it on.

hang·ing out [hang – ing – owt] – The process of participating in an organized activity together – such as a movie or dinner - followed shortly thereafter by furious banging.

see·ing where things are go·ing [see-ing wair things ahr going] – The process in which two people hang out, hook up, and do everything they can not to think about what it means.

da·ting – [day-ting] 1) The first time seeing where things are going fails. 2) Hanging out without the guarantee of sex

Have you had an accident, and it's not your fault - are you suffering from feelings?

What Are Feelings?

Feelings are a tender emotional state that develop when a male becomes fixated on a single female to the exclusion of others. Even others with bigger boobs. (is that even possible??)

Early Warning Signs

When you’re around one particular chick, you experience:

• Pounding Heart
• Dry Mouth
• Nausea
• Inability to speak
• Sweating
• Desire to say flattering things

If undiagnosed, these warning signs can quickly develop into the full blown disease…

Symptoms

• Warm fluttery feelings in stomach
• Lightheadedness
• An unexplained urge to watch Love Actually
• Sudden increase in cuddling occurrences
• Brunch cravings
• Happiness
• Failure to notice other hot women

Transmission

Though correlation remains scientifically inconclusive, studies indicate “hand holding” may play a role in spreading Feelings from one person to another.

Treatment

At this time the only treatment for Feelings is a multi-week course in Other Women. If symptoms persist, repeat course at a higher dosage. NOTE: This treatment can result in harmful side-effects such as rash, infection, and in some cases, pregnancy.

The Wingman Revolution

Guys and girls listen up! Behind every great man or woman, there is a wingman. David Beckham had Gary Neville, Pamela Anderson has Yasmine Bleeth, Tiger Woods had his lookouts!

But it is all changing my friends - the time is upon us, where we now have the multi-sex partnerships. Guys going out with chicks to get either guys or chicks! The age of the new wingman/woman is upon us.

Sadly you cant just snap your fingers and find a David Beckham or a Pamela Anderson, so you have to get by with what you've got. But no more.

For those of you who are in desperate need...

Above is an application to have whistler as your wingman.If you think you can handle it - and lets face it, you probably cant - Please complete the form mail back



- Whistler