The Sex Sense

Coached in the ways of The Game by Scott Mills' friend Chris, Smooth Talking Dan got to work chatting up a mystery blonde in a bar.
Now while I applaud his valiant efforts it got me thinking. There are easier ways to play the 'Game' arent there?

You may remember that blonde kid from 1999 that was able to talk to dead people...well just like him, I have a sixth sense. The only difference? Mine is sex-related and way, way cooler. Let's call it a "sex sense." You see, I have the uncanny ability to determine precisely how long it's been since a lady has last lain with a man and therefore increasing your chances of (as my friend Charlie says) WINNING!!!



Why is this important? Because there is a very narrow window of opportunity or, "luckatuity," when a girl's ready to get down. That window falls between 3 weeks 5 days, 4 hours and 3 weeks, 5 days, 6 hours. Needless to say, there is no room for error.

Whistler's Guide to SExploration

In fourteen ninety-two, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. He set sail to find a shortcut to East Asia so he could gain more profit. Five hundred years later, men of all ages are still searching for that shortcut, the answer to the timeless questions of how to gain more from doing less?


What we know now is that Columbus's voyage did provide important geographical information in the form of a plethora of maps and graphs, thus paving the way for future worldwide expansion. Columbus' brave exploits set an example for future explorers and now I, Whistler stand here before you ready to share the maps, graphs and secrets from my own extensive travels where i have left no nook or cranny unexplored.



1. Neckville: Explorers often overlook this seemingly insignificant piece of real estate, but don’t be fooled. The region is a virtual treasure trove that, if mined correctly, could open the gateway to lucrative and more rewarding exploration further south.
2. East Hipschester: East Hipschester is essential to any worthwhile explorer because of its prime location just west of treasure cove, with a plentiful bounty of natural resources to boot. Surrounded by rolling hills and lush valleys, I found settlements there to be both thriving and prosperous.

3. Mammary Peaks: Treacherous but rewarding, the twin peaks offer some of the most BREASTaking views I’ve ever seen. The epicenter of all things worth exploring, this terrific mountain range must be scaled and conquered before you can raise your flag.

4. Midriff Plains: These extensive flatlands are perfect for grazing and serve as the ultimate base camp. The experienced explorer knows that all expeditions should start from the plains, and in times of danger, I found the meadows to offer comfort, shelter and security.

Today Marks the beginning of the end....

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RULES OF ENGAGEMENT/THE SPECIAL FRIEND CONTRACT

Dear Whistler

I like a girl, but not enough for her to be my girlfriend (as im also banging her best friend). The problem is, she is becoming too attached - Seeing as you are someone who has infinite knowledge, and a true hero of mine - please tell me how do I keep is casual?

You are the best
Nitric

Dear Nitric

The female species is indeed a complicated one - so sometimes you have to take certain precautions (and I dont just mean wrapping up warm). Please present the contract below to said female friend - this should clear up any misunderstandings

Whistler

**HOWEVER please be aware of the 3 TIMES RULE - When said female starts to develop 'feelings' after 3 times of FUNTIMES. In such cases please refer to clause 19 immediately ***For indication for symptoms of 'feelings' please refer to earlier blog 'suffering from feelings'

Cougar Town

Women are the new men - its a fact.

As a seasoned game hunter, you get to learn that you cant always have it your way. As skilled as you are, there comes a time where the wind changes, where the prey becomes smarter, older more intelligent, more resourceful to the point where the hunter becomes the hunted! That time is now my friends. We have already lost some skilled hunters to this evolution of prey, Ashton Kutcher, Tim Robbins, Naveen Andrews but to name a few. Their game of choice - the elusive Cougar!

Only the brave can snag a cougar, for they are the most fearsome and deadly of all, and cougar hunting can leave a lasting impression on your life.

A cougar is an attractive, sex-crazed, middle-aged woman, usually found prowling airport bars and smoky pool halls in search of nubile flesh. Look around you: most likely there's one training her eyes on you right now. She's a predator, a vicious carnivore looking to feed before continuing on her ferocious way, and that's the most beautiful part of the majestic cougar: her unflagging desire to move on after a mauling. Clearly, this is an advanced species.

Make no mistake about it: a cougar hunts you. But a seasoned cougar hunter knows how to play this to his advantage. Bagging a cougar is one of the most enjoyable sporting feats a young man can accomplish, but is rife with peril and dangers untold. Below is my overview of the great beast. Use it. Here's to safe and happy cougar hunting.

SOME POPULAR COUGAR DENS:
The Saracens Head - Beaconsfield
Palms Hotel - Hornchurch Essex
Russell Gardens - London
Chicago's - Anywhere


DO YOUR HOMEWORK ON COUGARS:

The Graduate - Mrs Robinson (Ann Bancroft) seduces fresh faced Benjamin Braddock (Dustin Hoffman)
American Pie - Stiffler's Mom
How I met your Mother - Barney and Marshall's Law Professor





A. Nails: Long, manicured, and often painted fire-engine red. The cougar keeps her nails sharp enough to ensnare her prey. In the bedroom, she uses these claws for enjoyable, yet tissue-scarring, back-scratching.

B. Skin: Cougars are notorious for keeping their pelts soft and inviting. You might believe you're cuddling a cub before realizing you're actually stroking the coat of a ferocious womanimal.

C. Tail: A cougar will use her tail to attract prey, often flaunting it with a perfectly timed mobile phone or key drop. She shakes her tail in a cunning fashion to distract you from her wrinkly eyes and thinning hair.

D. Legs: Shapely and attractive, a cougar's legs are one of her most desirable, yet dangerous, weapons. She uses her muscular legs in the bedroom to choke the life out of you, then the next day uses those same glorious limbs to reach the pedals on her sports convertable/baby carrier as she drives away. It's God's design.

E. Face: A cougar masks her face with makeup and other facial products in an effort to camouflage the ill effects of ageing. The eyes, beautiful and hidden under a heavy coat of mascara, dart around the room, scoping her habitat for suitable, unsuspecting fare. The ears twitch with each sound, on alert for the rustling of a leaf or the chuckle of a younger man.

**beware the cougars sound for the mating call is scary yet enchanting, enough to entice you in slowly

***the onset of the cougar years is hotly debated. Some feel that a cougar can be as young as 35, but women of this age would not be viewed as cougars unless their sexual conquests were no older than 25; the ten-year age difference seems to be an unspoken but accepted minimum between partners.

Whistler's Wise Words

Like Moses, Dear Dierdrie, and Dr. Phil, I am often asked to impart my wisdom and advice on those who cannot or will not help themselves. Even though I can't improve myself -- hard to top being me...I mean look at me -- I can help others improve.

Dear Whistler,

My girlfriend has been nagging me to express my feelings more but she always does that at inconvenient times like when I'm playing guitar hero or reading about my favourite football team (Arsenal btw). I'd love to tell her something so she'll stop nagging me, but I have no idea how to go about "sharing" my emotions.

Sincereley,

Guy Ndula

----------------------

Guy,

There are only three appropriate venues for expressing one's emotions. I call them the 3 D's: Dinner, During Sex, Deathbed.

DINNER: Your girlfriend wants you to express your feelings? Fine. Cover her hand with your own, look deep into her eyes, and tell her in a soft voice how you regret not ordering a starter. This action is international girl-speak for "I am revealing the secret depths of my soul," so it doesn't have to be about starters -- any honest feeling you have about the quality of food or service will have her eating out of your hand.

DURING SEX: One of the seemingly infinite benefits of sex is that there's so much activity, coordination and noise, you can get away with saying almost anything*. Thus, sex is the ideal time to honestly express doubts about your employability, gambling addiction, or even your long-term relationship potential.

DEATHBED: Since it's really tough to be mad at someone who is about to die, your deathbed is an excellent time to really go bananas with your feelings. Insecurities, infidelities, incisions...anything you've kept hidden over the years can be freely discussed with little fear of retribution. As an added bonus, some girls enjoy a sensitive side and become easily confused when faced with the grim certitude of death...play your cards right and you might be able to squeeze two in that deathbed before the buzzer goes off. (NOTE: For all the above reasons, feigning your own terminal illness and deathbed scenario can be a cathartic experience).

*Note: avoid at all costs mentioning how hot her sister is.

**Unless said sister is in bed with you. In that case, feel free to exaggerate a bit.