Always a Bridesmaid…Sometimes the Bride!

A Royal Wedding is on the horizon...but folks we are already into wedding season (April 1st - Sept 29th). Normally, I hate a wedding, I mean long service, singing songs, two people (that arent me) being the centre of attention - what's there to smile about?? I often get asked - what is the point of a wedding...but to all you singletons out there the answer is simple....

It is precisely when all your friends get married that you have access to the greatest pick-up opportunity of them all. A wedding - specifically, someone else's wedding - should get you 35% more laid than any other event. Numbers don't lie.



How could this be? What gives weddings their 35% more layage advantage? Bridesmaids, my friend. Bridesmaids. A bridesmaid is infinity times more layable than an actual woman - hopped up on a drug known on the streets as long-term commitment, disoriented by a profusion of men in thong-melting formal wear, and by and large, drunk.



Wedding receptions are the Toys-R-Us shopping spree sweepstakes prize of pickup venues. The challenge is not in acquiring a bridesmaid, (kid, candy store) but in finding the BEST bridesmaid and closing the deal before she's been claimed. If you're not in the wedding party and therefore lack any sort of pre-reception intelligence, you may have fewer than three minutes to identify, isolate, and intrigue a maiden, for when there's blood in the water, the sharks will come.



ou must move with the urgency and precision of a SWAT team kicking down the door, deciding who's a civilian, and ghosting the bad guys before they can fire back. Strategy? Your target is the second-hottest bridesmaid. Trust me on this one. Her natural jealousy of the first-hottest bridesmaid, which has been simmering in her small-but-attractive breast since the rehearsal dinner, will make her an absolute maniac in bed.

If you miss the second-hottest bridesmaid, immediately initiate your system of mental triage. Scan the room for identical dresses, and prioritize them in order of hotness, quickly eliminating those wearing wedding rings from your horizontal dance card.

Finally, never forget that bonus points are awarded for scoring multiple bridesmaids, separately and together, naturally. Ergo, if you find yourself bedding a dud, you can still salvage the evening by sweeping back through for seconds. Leave no bridesmaid unturned.

The 24 Similarities Between Women and Fish

As we enter the season of great weather, and the weekend approaches, I was given 2 options of how to spend my weekend - in a bar or fishing - this got me thinking...a weekend in a bar means women...fishing means fish....but are they really different??


1. Both attracted to shiny objects
2. More fun to catch while drinking
3. Neither travel well, so best just to leave them
4. There's others in the sea and/or bar
5. Three words: catch and release
6. They can't go anywhere without their group
7. They just KEEP going to the bathroom
8. Easier to catch the weak ones (like going for two 4s instead of an 8)
9. They are oddly attracted to color
10. They want their mates to be big and strong
11. They get pissy if you grab their tail
12. Untrained dogs just don't know how to properly catch or handle them
13. Both wild and farm raised have their benefits
14. When in the right establishment, you can choose the one you want from those behind the glass.
15. Easier to reel in if you let them wear themselves out first
16. They keep opening their mouths, but nothing important comes out
17. They will suck up anything you drop infront of their mouths (High five!)
18. Neither can operate a vehicle
19. They both eat wierd green stuff like seaweed
20. The harder they shake their tail, the farther they'll go in life
21. They want the pretty plastic castle with a white picket fence
22. They never have to buy drinks
23. They both only care about their eggs
24. Can hook either with a great line

The Sex Sense

Coached in the ways of The Game by Scott Mills' friend Chris, Smooth Talking Dan got to work chatting up a mystery blonde in a bar.
Now while I applaud his valiant efforts it got me thinking. There are easier ways to play the 'Game' arent there?

You may remember that blonde kid from 1999 that was able to talk to dead people...well just like him, I have a sixth sense. The only difference? Mine is sex-related and way, way cooler. Let's call it a "sex sense." You see, I have the uncanny ability to determine precisely how long it's been since a lady has last lain with a man and therefore increasing your chances of (as my friend Charlie says) WINNING!!!



Why is this important? Because there is a very narrow window of opportunity or, "luckatuity," when a girl's ready to get down. That window falls between 3 weeks 5 days, 4 hours and 3 weeks, 5 days, 6 hours. Needless to say, there is no room for error.

Whistler's Guide to SExploration

In fourteen ninety-two, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. He set sail to find a shortcut to East Asia so he could gain more profit. Five hundred years later, men of all ages are still searching for that shortcut, the answer to the timeless questions of how to gain more from doing less?


What we know now is that Columbus's voyage did provide important geographical information in the form of a plethora of maps and graphs, thus paving the way for future worldwide expansion. Columbus' brave exploits set an example for future explorers and now I, Whistler stand here before you ready to share the maps, graphs and secrets from my own extensive travels where i have left no nook or cranny unexplored.



1. Neckville: Explorers often overlook this seemingly insignificant piece of real estate, but don’t be fooled. The region is a virtual treasure trove that, if mined correctly, could open the gateway to lucrative and more rewarding exploration further south.
2. East Hipschester: East Hipschester is essential to any worthwhile explorer because of its prime location just west of treasure cove, with a plentiful bounty of natural resources to boot. Surrounded by rolling hills and lush valleys, I found settlements there to be both thriving and prosperous.

3. Mammary Peaks: Treacherous but rewarding, the twin peaks offer some of the most BREASTaking views I’ve ever seen. The epicenter of all things worth exploring, this terrific mountain range must be scaled and conquered before you can raise your flag.

4. Midriff Plains: These extensive flatlands are perfect for grazing and serve as the ultimate base camp. The experienced explorer knows that all expeditions should start from the plains, and in times of danger, I found the meadows to offer comfort, shelter and security.

Today Marks the beginning of the end....

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RULES OF ENGAGEMENT/THE SPECIAL FRIEND CONTRACT

Dear Whistler

I like a girl, but not enough for her to be my girlfriend (as im also banging her best friend). The problem is, she is becoming too attached - Seeing as you are someone who has infinite knowledge, and a true hero of mine - please tell me how do I keep is casual?

You are the best
Nitric

Dear Nitric

The female species is indeed a complicated one - so sometimes you have to take certain precautions (and I dont just mean wrapping up warm). Please present the contract below to said female friend - this should clear up any misunderstandings

Whistler

**HOWEVER please be aware of the 3 TIMES RULE - When said female starts to develop 'feelings' after 3 times of FUNTIMES. In such cases please refer to clause 19 immediately ***For indication for symptoms of 'feelings' please refer to earlier blog 'suffering from feelings'

Cougar Town

Women are the new men - its a fact.

As a seasoned game hunter, you get to learn that you cant always have it your way. As skilled as you are, there comes a time where the wind changes, where the prey becomes smarter, older more intelligent, more resourceful to the point where the hunter becomes the hunted! That time is now my friends. We have already lost some skilled hunters to this evolution of prey, Ashton Kutcher, Tim Robbins, Naveen Andrews but to name a few. Their game of choice - the elusive Cougar!

Only the brave can snag a cougar, for they are the most fearsome and deadly of all, and cougar hunting can leave a lasting impression on your life.

A cougar is an attractive, sex-crazed, middle-aged woman, usually found prowling airport bars and smoky pool halls in search of nubile flesh. Look around you: most likely there's one training her eyes on you right now. She's a predator, a vicious carnivore looking to feed before continuing on her ferocious way, and that's the most beautiful part of the majestic cougar: her unflagging desire to move on after a mauling. Clearly, this is an advanced species.

Make no mistake about it: a cougar hunts you. But a seasoned cougar hunter knows how to play this to his advantage. Bagging a cougar is one of the most enjoyable sporting feats a young man can accomplish, but is rife with peril and dangers untold. Below is my overview of the great beast. Use it. Here's to safe and happy cougar hunting.

SOME POPULAR COUGAR DENS:
The Saracens Head - Beaconsfield
Palms Hotel - Hornchurch Essex
Russell Gardens - London
Chicago's - Anywhere


DO YOUR HOMEWORK ON COUGARS:

The Graduate - Mrs Robinson (Ann Bancroft) seduces fresh faced Benjamin Braddock (Dustin Hoffman)
American Pie - Stiffler's Mom
How I met your Mother - Barney and Marshall's Law Professor





A. Nails: Long, manicured, and often painted fire-engine red. The cougar keeps her nails sharp enough to ensnare her prey. In the bedroom, she uses these claws for enjoyable, yet tissue-scarring, back-scratching.

B. Skin: Cougars are notorious for keeping their pelts soft and inviting. You might believe you're cuddling a cub before realizing you're actually stroking the coat of a ferocious womanimal.

C. Tail: A cougar will use her tail to attract prey, often flaunting it with a perfectly timed mobile phone or key drop. She shakes her tail in a cunning fashion to distract you from her wrinkly eyes and thinning hair.

D. Legs: Shapely and attractive, a cougar's legs are one of her most desirable, yet dangerous, weapons. She uses her muscular legs in the bedroom to choke the life out of you, then the next day uses those same glorious limbs to reach the pedals on her sports convertable/baby carrier as she drives away. It's God's design.

E. Face: A cougar masks her face with makeup and other facial products in an effort to camouflage the ill effects of ageing. The eyes, beautiful and hidden under a heavy coat of mascara, dart around the room, scoping her habitat for suitable, unsuspecting fare. The ears twitch with each sound, on alert for the rustling of a leaf or the chuckle of a younger man.

**beware the cougars sound for the mating call is scary yet enchanting, enough to entice you in slowly

***the onset of the cougar years is hotly debated. Some feel that a cougar can be as young as 35, but women of this age would not be viewed as cougars unless their sexual conquests were no older than 25; the ten-year age difference seems to be an unspoken but accepted minimum between partners.