It is precisely when all your friends get married that you have access to the greatest pick-up opportunity of them all. A wedding - specifically, someone else's wedding - should get you 35% more laid than any other event. Numbers don't lie.
How could this be? What gives weddings their 35% more layage advantage? Bridesmaids, my friend. Bridesmaids. A bridesmaid is infinity times more layable than an actual woman - hopped up on a drug known on the streets as long-term commitment, disoriented by a profusion of men in thong-melting formal wear, and by and large, drunk.
Wedding receptions are the Toys-R-Us shopping spree sweepstakes prize of pickup venues. The challenge is not in acquiring a bridesmaid, (kid, candy store) but in finding the BEST bridesmaid and closing the deal before she's been claimed. If you're not in the wedding party and therefore lack any sort of pre-reception intelligence, you may have fewer than three minutes to identify, isolate, and intrigue a maiden, for when there's blood in the water, the sharks will come.
ou must move with the urgency and precision of a SWAT team kicking down the door, deciding who's a civilian, and ghosting the bad guys before they can fire back. Strategy? Your target is the second-hottest bridesmaid. Trust me on this one. Her natural jealousy of the first-hottest bridesmaid, which has been simmering in her small-but-attractive breast since the rehearsal dinner, will make her an absolute maniac in bed.
If you miss the second-hottest bridesmaid, immediately initiate your system of mental triage. Scan the room for identical dresses, and prioritize them in order of hotness, quickly eliminating those wearing wedding rings from your horizontal dance card.
Finally, never forget that bonus points are awarded for scoring multiple bridesmaids, separately and together, naturally. Ergo, if you find yourself bedding a dud, you can still salvage the evening by sweeping back through for seconds. Leave no bridesmaid unturned.
