Always a Bridesmaid…Sometimes the Bride!

A Royal Wedding is on the horizon...but folks we are already into wedding season (April 1st - Sept 29th). Normally, I hate a wedding, I mean long service, singing songs, two people (that arent me) being the centre of attention - what's there to smile about?? I often get asked - what is the point of a wedding...but to all you singletons out there the answer is simple....

It is precisely when all your friends get married that you have access to the greatest pick-up opportunity of them all. A wedding - specifically, someone else's wedding - should get you 35% more laid than any other event. Numbers don't lie.



How could this be? What gives weddings their 35% more layage advantage? Bridesmaids, my friend. Bridesmaids. A bridesmaid is infinity times more layable than an actual woman - hopped up on a drug known on the streets as long-term commitment, disoriented by a profusion of men in thong-melting formal wear, and by and large, drunk.



Wedding receptions are the Toys-R-Us shopping spree sweepstakes prize of pickup venues. The challenge is not in acquiring a bridesmaid, (kid, candy store) but in finding the BEST bridesmaid and closing the deal before she's been claimed. If you're not in the wedding party and therefore lack any sort of pre-reception intelligence, you may have fewer than three minutes to identify, isolate, and intrigue a maiden, for when there's blood in the water, the sharks will come.



ou must move with the urgency and precision of a SWAT team kicking down the door, deciding who's a civilian, and ghosting the bad guys before they can fire back. Strategy? Your target is the second-hottest bridesmaid. Trust me on this one. Her natural jealousy of the first-hottest bridesmaid, which has been simmering in her small-but-attractive breast since the rehearsal dinner, will make her an absolute maniac in bed.

If you miss the second-hottest bridesmaid, immediately initiate your system of mental triage. Scan the room for identical dresses, and prioritize them in order of hotness, quickly eliminating those wearing wedding rings from your horizontal dance card.

Finally, never forget that bonus points are awarded for scoring multiple bridesmaids, separately and together, naturally. Ergo, if you find yourself bedding a dud, you can still salvage the evening by sweeping back through for seconds. Leave no bridesmaid unturned.

The 24 Similarities Between Women and Fish

As we enter the season of great weather, and the weekend approaches, I was given 2 options of how to spend my weekend - in a bar or fishing - this got me thinking...a weekend in a bar means women...fishing means fish....but are they really different??


1. Both attracted to shiny objects
2. More fun to catch while drinking
3. Neither travel well, so best just to leave them
4. There's others in the sea and/or bar
5. Three words: catch and release
6. They can't go anywhere without their group
7. They just KEEP going to the bathroom
8. Easier to catch the weak ones (like going for two 4s instead of an 8)
9. They are oddly attracted to color
10. They want their mates to be big and strong
11. They get pissy if you grab their tail
12. Untrained dogs just don't know how to properly catch or handle them
13. Both wild and farm raised have their benefits
14. When in the right establishment, you can choose the one you want from those behind the glass.
15. Easier to reel in if you let them wear themselves out first
16. They keep opening their mouths, but nothing important comes out
17. They will suck up anything you drop infront of their mouths (High five!)
18. Neither can operate a vehicle
19. They both eat wierd green stuff like seaweed
20. The harder they shake their tail, the farther they'll go in life
21. They want the pretty plastic castle with a white picket fence
22. They never have to buy drinks
23. They both only care about their eggs
24. Can hook either with a great line

The Sex Sense

Coached in the ways of The Game by Scott Mills' friend Chris, Smooth Talking Dan got to work chatting up a mystery blonde in a bar.
Now while I applaud his valiant efforts it got me thinking. There are easier ways to play the 'Game' arent there?

You may remember that blonde kid from 1999 that was able to talk to dead people...well just like him, I have a sixth sense. The only difference? Mine is sex-related and way, way cooler. Let's call it a "sex sense." You see, I have the uncanny ability to determine precisely how long it's been since a lady has last lain with a man and therefore increasing your chances of (as my friend Charlie says) WINNING!!!



Why is this important? Because there is a very narrow window of opportunity or, "luckatuity," when a girl's ready to get down. That window falls between 3 weeks 5 days, 4 hours and 3 weeks, 5 days, 6 hours. Needless to say, there is no room for error.